The Balance between Fear & Trust

Does denial save us from facing our fears at times?  Do we sometimes play this game with ourselves of not admitting to situations in life that scare us?  Maybe this serves us at times or works against us.  I personally don’t in the least like the “jump out at you” movies & my experiences on heart pounding rides at the amusement parks are something that I don’t participate in anymore.  Both of these cause my blood sugars to skyrocket & it takes hours it seems to correct so I would just rather not bother with those activities.  I don’t feel like I am missing out by giving up these specific activities so it works out just fine.  There are countless other adventures to have that I find more enjoyable & more pleasing as well to my ever moving target of blood sugars.  For the things that I am passionate about I find a way to do them.   It can be difficult but my stubbornness catapults me towards creative solutions when needed. 

How about denial of our feelings & how that feeds into potential fear or not?  Is fear sometimes the elephant in the room?  If we don’t think about it or talk or admit to it, will it go away?  If we try to deny it all together, does it come out in other ways?  We each answer that question for ourselves.  I know that I cannot outrun myself emotionally so I have learned to face my own fears head on in the discomfort & all.  I am indescribably grateful on purpose each day.  On no day however will I claim to be the perfect mom, wife, person with diabetes, community member & whatever other hat that we each wear each day of our lives.   On the especially getting kicked down by 365’s days, the best response that my husband can give me is, “so the day did not suck so bad.”  It is a line out of a Rush video & so it kind of just gets an automatic laugh.  I am all about positive thinking & self motivation & I envelope myself in it daily by choice however I do not choose to live in denial at the same time.  I have learned that when I try to squash my feelings down that they pop out in other ways that are not healthy for me.  Each one of us is a beautiful original so we each make daily decisions for ourselves.  Maybe I have gotten to a point in my life where I am set free from any form of pretention & it is one of the best feelings.  If a day is going badly I just admit to it yet the feisty rascal within me remains determined to turn the day around.  I know if I do nothing or deny my own feelings that I am as stuck as if I were in quick sand. 

It is my belief that it takes tremendous courage to be the real deal in today’s world.  It takes backbone to be vulnerable, gentle, compassionate, and honest & hope filled.  It takes bravery to face fear right in its tracks & look right at it & finally be okay with it after doing this.  Having type 1 diabetes has magnified the greatest fear that I have.  This fear is the one of not being able to complete what I believe my calling is on earth. Is there ever “enough” time?  It is looking directly at my own fear of my mortality.   I know I am not in charge of how long I get to be here to answer this call & this leads me really in a circle back to my magnified fear.  When I got married & later welcomed 3 noisy, funny, adventure-filled sons into the world it was almost like I had a snap shot in my mind of what my life would look like.   The picture included celebrating all the big & small moments in life with my precious family.  The picture in my mind was so full & so vast & it included my husband & I growing old together (though I will never tell anyone my real age ha ha) & cheering on our sons as they grew up & pursue their dreams.  I saw a lot of time being given to do all these things.  All we really get though is one moment at a time.  Up until about 8 years ago I was a person that lived largely for the future I realized continuously planning for what was going to be next.  One day though I literally woke up & understood that I had let myself get out of balance.  I mean I was not really fully present in the moment & I did not like hearing myself say too often, “hold on a second” or “we will do that soon.”  I started to change all that by saying instead, “I am going to do that for you right now” & “we are going to do that on (fill in the blank) specific date.”  Type 1 magnified my biggest fear of not having the time that I so much want with all my loved ones.  I did though learn to trust more.  I learned to trust in technology when I became a pumper 6 years ago.  I admit that I had some panicked moments the first couple of weeks especially at night when I first went on the insulin pump.  I worried about a technological meltdown & the night is when it bothered me the most.  During the day I check my glucose & I thankfully have a sensitivity to low blood sugars that alerts me to the lows with the shakes, sweats, slurred speech, absolute confusion, numb tongue & more.  Honestly, I am still most fearful of the mystery of what goes on physiologically with the fine balance between insulin & type 1 diabetes in the night.  I don’t think about it often yet when I do, I feel frantic.  The times that I think about it most are on the nights when I wake up in the middle of the night with a low blood sugar & the next morning after that has happened.  Last night at 2am yet again I was woken from a deep sleep by the sweats & shakes, numb tongue & confusion that even in my stupor I knew was yet another low blood sugar.  The feelings of absolute fear hit me really the most surrounding night time lows the next morning.  Insulin is a serious thing & has to be balanced so precisely & my body physiologically does some pretty bizarre things at times when it comes to how it is going to work with or against insulin at different times of the day & night.  Blood sugar control is a moving target with me at this point in my life physiologically.  It is not comfortable facing the big fears yet I have found a couple of things out while doing just that.  The first thing is that this fear makes me more present each & every day to making decisions based on what matters most.  It also gave me the gift of cutting through the nonsense that can run rampant & just be unapologetically myself with no pretense.  It gave me the gift of living each & every moment more fully so I am packing in intense love, care, honesty, vulnerability, compassion, kindness & more in whatever environment I am in.  The other thing that I have really noticed is that my big fear has led me to an even huger level of daily gratitude as well as trust/faith.  Sure some days can stink for any of us yet we don’t want to turn into the moaners & groaners out there who don’t have diabetes or other “365’s” complaining about a simple head cold who seem to have a pretty significant problem handling much at all.   We can face our fears & become stronger & be present in the world in a positive, uplifting way.  As they say, the strong people  lift others up.    Fear does at times live within me yet I cannot successfully run away from even a part of myself.  In learning to admit it is there & know that I am okay has been huge.  And who would have guessed that fear really lead me to even greater strength & faith. 

My hearts hope for you is that you know that our purpose here on earth is one of a kind.  The things in our lives that we think might hold us back so often seem to lead to a strength that we did not even know that we have within us.  Then we send this out into the world.  Then the world changes for the better.  Go ahead, send out some of your strength.  You will make a difference.  What you are & do makes a difference.

Smiles,  Saundie

May you find ways to lift others up in your wee corner of the world.  We need that in all the corners of the world.  Next Monday's sharing is "It's An Awful Lot Like Green Eggs & Ham."  Be gentle with yourself & others.  xo