Silence That Carries Words

How many words per day do you speak?  Are most of the words spoken to yourself or others?  Do we ever really stop communicating words at least to ourselves from the time we wake up until the time we fall asleep at night?  What are we saying to ourselves most of the time?  How are we talking to ourselves? 

Over the years I have come to learn that it is very important to be in tune with my thoughts which are really just silent words.  There was a time a couple decades ago that although these words were silent, they were louder to me that  screaming voices due to the negativity contained within the message for myself.  Those were the days where I could not get away from a self contained critic that lived within me.  Strangely, I thought the very best of others & saved criticism only for myself.  It was kind of like a broken record of hearing the silent words within me that I was not good enough, not doing something well enough or was not thin enough or successful enough and a zillion other things with the sentence ending in “not something enough.”  Throughout my life though I have found that things often had to reach a certain point before I was willing to actively change what was happening.  That was certainly the case with self criticism.  Finally though the “I am not enough” of whatever it was I was silently condemning within myself simply became an exclamation of “enough!”  My silent words were hurting me & I decided that I had had enough of that for the rest of my life.  I chose to change parts of my daily routine & change the way I spoke silently to myself.  I decided to stop sleeping though my own life & yes, I got some backbone which became the foundation for my own feisty love within this world.  I stopped comparing my life or my anything at all to anyone else & that felt great, great, great.  Who really knows what is going on with others anyhow?  The thing that I have learned along the way is that many people are like icebergs in the ocean in that you sometimes are invited to only ever see a tiny portion of the person & the remainder stays hidden safely.  Maybe that is a form of sleeping through life to live like that & I knew that I wanted to live life out loud, boldly and for real that’s all.  Along the way I have met people who share the fully awake life & I recognize these beautiful people instantly as instant soul friends. 

Words carry so much power.  The words that remain unsaid & the ones that do get spoken seem to be in fragile balance.  When someone that we know suffers a loss what do we think & what do we say and do?  How about when we ourselves lose a loved one?  Do others around us seem to vanish or do they step out of the fog & say something comforting or offer a hug?  That feeling never totally fades from my heart when some people around me decide to say absolutely nothing at all when I have shared that someone dear to me has died.  My brain cannot fathom how people cannot at the very least say “I am sorry for your loss.”  That is the difference between showing total indifference or connection I believe.  My experience is though that many people simply do not want to feel uncomfortable or maybe they think they will say the wrong thing so they say nothing at all.  Words carry power to heal & unite or wound & divide…both the words said & the words left unsaid though.  I think there is more than enough division in the world already. 

Prior to me waking myself up so to speak over 2 decades ago I lived my life with the message of “peace at any price.”  The price often was my own peace ironically.  Maybe it is not ironic at all.  Maybe just maybe that is the point.  Peace does come at a price.  All those years ago I tried everything in my might to avoid arguments & solve or prevent arguments for other people too.  It was exactly exhausting.  It was the life of walking on the egg shells.  Since then thankfully I have learned that the world does not stop spinning just because people have a difference of opinion.  Best of all, it turns out I found out that a disagreement can occur in a respectful way & the love remains.  Many times the love grew because I was just myself with backbone & opinion & the real deal & not the tip of an iceberg sleeping through life person.  Thank goodness I got to build up the foundation of feistiness a long time ago.  I have come to need that foundation built on steel since being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, psoriasis, celiac, and more.  I remember vividly my life before I learned how to use the word no.  It is still the toughest word in the English language for me.  My natural inclination is to say yes because I don’t like to disappoint anyone.  Saying yes though is not always best for the situation.  Health wise I cannot afford to get completely zapped out from saying yes to every favour that is asked of me.  I have learned to try to balance out the yeses with some nos.  There are days too when I say no to diabetes.  I might be having an especially beaten up day with diabetes especially if my blood sugars have been high for hours on end.  As a result sometimes diabetes beating up my body will send me a message of “you suck at diabetes management” or “this day is going to be a write off.”  I have learned to not criticize the way I manage diabetes.  Diabetes to me is a melted down toddler so there is no way I am about to agree with tantrum messages it sends to me.  Also, I have found that a morning or an afternoon can turn into a bit less of what I had hoped for health & wellness wise however on no day do I write the entire day off.  I am feisty enough to declare that at any time of the day or night I will be starting that day over!  I refuse to listen to the critical messages that can come about from riding high or low blood sugars.  It turns out that we can disagree even with our own thoughts that way.  There are times when I am feeling really unwell especially from sustained high blood sugars that my thoughts try to get to me in the spirit of getting kicked when I am already down.  I recognize that for what it is & then I shift gears from a thought perspective or feed my mind some better “food.”  It is not all Pollyanna “just think good thoughts.”  It is difficult on the high blood sugar days.  It is not easy or magic to choose better thoughts on those days.  That is one reason why a very long time ago I started writing down a list of pick me ups to go to when I have the bad days.  With the list right in front of me I just choose things to do that I know will help.  I love the list & it works for me every time.  One of the things on the list says, “Take a walk along the Lakeshore even though you think you don’t want to…no excuses.”  In brackets I have the words, “come on, do it anyways.”  On my list too I have Dear Hearts that are above the water wide awake life livers that have my back that I know I can call & tell them it is a bad day knowing that they will neither become a codependent thus turning me into a victim of self pity nor judge or criticize me.  There is no word big enough to describe my gratitude for these Dear Hearts.

There are people out there that may feel disconnected in one way or another within our human family.  They may be the people with the brightest smiles or the long, frowning faces.  Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference when it comes to disconnection.  That is the power of the iceberg & living life awake or asleep.  These people may not tell us that they are suffering with words.  How do we reach one another then?  Do we use words at all?  It is a fragile balance of words, silence & something else I believe.  This past week I read a quote that spoke to my heart big time.  It is by a website that I think is absolutely spectacular named, “Rebel Thriver.”  I encourage you to check the website out for daily quote gems that are sure to speak to your heart too.  The quote from Rebel Thriver that spoke to my heart is:  “Some people are hurting so badly that you have to do more than preach a message to them.  You have to be a message to them.”  How do you be a message?  Your life is your message.  How you live your life is your message.  How you choose to live fully awake or not is your message.  How you connect with others in the balance between what to say & what to leave unsaid.  It is the connection as simple as a hug on a rough day for someone else.  What is your message?  My message I hope is summed up in two words, “feisty love.”  How about you?

My heart’s hope for you is that you choose to live your life fully awake.  Send your life’s message out into the world.  The world needs you & your message.  Be wide awake in your life’s message.  The world needs this most of all.  You do make a difference.  Yes you do!

Smiles, Saundie :)

Thank goodness for the list of pick me ups.  It turns out that a couple of days after I wrote this that I needed to refer to my pick me ups list a number of times when all 4 of my "365's" decided to flare up at once.  The list is a gem because let's face it that usually when we are in pain & have erratic blood sugars on top of that the go to is not necessarily naturally to be gentler with ourselves.  My list serves as a reminder & that is a great thing.  If you have not done up a pick me up list yet for yourself I encourage you big time to do one.  Next Monday's story is in the creative ether right now with ideas percolating.  Be gentle with yourself!