A Way

A “way” or “away?” just may be the question.  At times do we want to get away from something or do we want to find a way to deal with something difficult?  There is a big difference I have found in my thinking when I want to get away from something versus attempting to find a way through something.  Perhaps you have found this to be true in your life as well. 

If we are not feeling well, our thoughts may go the path of the “I want this to go away or I want to get away from this.”  Alas, we cannot get away from ourselves though.  It may be pretty difficult to move on to the path of “I will find a way through this” when we are physically unwell for instance.  For some random, mysterious reason my blood sugars decided to go berserk continuously from January 1^st to January 8^th with no mercy.  The part that really got to me at times was the brutally high blood sugars.  Even after 7 years of living day in & day out with type 1 diabetes I still have mini panics with it every so often.  Naturally I am concerned about low blood sugars & keep an eye out for that through frequent monitoring & correct that when it happens.  I cannot stand low blood sugars because I feel temporarily vulnerable & out of commission while I treat them & wait for sugars to get back up over at least the 4 mark (Canadian measures).  High blood sugars though for me are my arch enemy.  I completely loathe being in high blood sugars because physiologically things get all messed up leading to a temporary change in my personality.  I cannot personally tolerate that so for that reason & an infinite list of other reasons I do my very best to keep my blood sugars from going high.  Super high blood sugars I think are like thieves that steal part of my life away at times.  A perfect example of this is robbery of sleep.  Over the 8 continuous days & nights of blood sugar troubles I lost a ton of sleep because you know only too well that when we have type 1 & correct for high blood sugars that we have to check our sugars every couple of hours as well as ketones to see what is going on day & night.  It is exhausting when you are already exhausted.  I always try to keep my attitude in perspective yet it does get more & more difficult I find as one day & night meet with the next & sleep is missing especially for a prolonged period of time…like 8 days & 8 nights.  We might just at times want to scream…”go away” to the high blood sugars & most especially to the beast of diabetes.  As I have shared before, the thing that I detest more than anything about diabetes is the ability physiologically it has to mess temporarily with my personality.  I am by nature a person with a positive attitude & it really bothers me big time that any disease has the power at times to mess with the core of who I am even for a relatively short time frame.  I tend to be a fiercely independent person & it is a real work in progress admitting to others that I am not doing well.  I just cannot find a way though to fake my way through extended high blood sugars in the pretention that everything is peachy.  The conflict though is that I expect a lot from myself.  I refuse to ever fall prey to becoming a victim ever so I am hyper vigilant about watching out for signs of woe is me thinking within myself.  I tend to tell myself to get on with it then instead.  Over the past 8 days though I said these words to myself in a gentler way and that felt exactly right.  Ok, I know I am not a victim yet I did not need to go to the polar opposite side of the spectrum that says, “Suck it up buttercup.”  Instead, my choice was to be realistic & gentle with myself.  Sooner or later with the amount of effort I was putting into getting my blood sugars back on track I knew that my blood sugars would come back into line again…well, you know the squiggly line of type 1 diabetes anyway instead of the trampoline that was being experienced.  In the meantime though I decided to talk to myself in a similar way that I would to a friend going through this.  It was refreshing & encouraging, realistic & nurturing.  It was a new way of going through illness for me.  In behaving this way towards myself instead of admonishing my limitations I found that my thinking travelled from trying to get the grueling high blood sugars away to finding a way to get through the temporary battle with the blood sugars.  This made a huge difference in getting through each day.  It made a difference at a time when 8 days felt like one long day because let’s face it, when we don’t sleep at night there does not appear to be a place holder within each day or night.

Do you find that it is difficult to say the least getting out of a funk especially when you feel unwell?  It can be an uphill battle I think yet that which is worthwhile usually is that way by design.  Over the 8 days & nights of hyperglycemia as an aside my husband & 3 sons were on a Star Wars movie watching marathon.  My husband happily received the complete series as a Christmas present this past Christmas.  He was elated & so were our sons.  They just have the final episode left to watch at this point.  That movie is timeless & it carries a great deal of wisdom within it.  One line by Yoda that I have always especially loved is “do or do not; there is no try.”  When it comes to my attitude that is great advice.  There are of course many things in life that we work at or try & that is legitimate.  When it comes to my own attitude though I am doing or not doing a good job at sustaining a good attitude.  I just happened to watch the Star Wars episode that had that line in it.  Our sons know I love that line & they all laughed & looked at me when the line in the movie came up.  What went through my mind was, “this is timely.”  Even though I was super sick, I needed to find a way through it while being gentle & strong at the same time I decided. 

We do not have to like going through struggles.  The reality though is that storms in life will come & we can either attempt to run away from them or we can find a way to get through them & come out the other side stronger than ever.  Either way it will be a struggle.  In my experience the difference is attitude.  The winning formula that works for me is gratitude.  Everyone is a beautiful original so what works for me may not be the” aha” for you but you will find what works for you.  Then we get to give what we need to ourselves when we go through the struggles.  On no day do I say thank you for any of my chronic illnesses however I do say thank you for the strength that I found out I have within myself that I never would have imagined was there.  And it is easy to say thank you for the beautiful friendships discovered.  I know I am way more thankful for life, for “good days”, for my family, friends, nature and countless other blessings because of the struggles.  No, I am not thankful for the struggles yet I am thankful for the caring, encouragement & love shared because of the struggles.  It does not need to be a perfect day (does one exist) to be profoundly thankful for so many blessings.  I know I need & want to be grateful every day & I will always find a way to do exactly that.  It is for sure more difficult to do this on the days when we feel unwell yet I think it is at those times that I know I need gratitude even more.  It is a beautiful anchor to hold onto while I work my way through the struggle or storm.  It may feel counterintuitive to find a way to find gratitude during a struggle yet I know for me it makes the most sense in the world. 

The thing that I found that I noticed over the 8 long days & nights of high blood sugars this time around was that every single day it was sunny out.  That is unusual at any time of the year.  January generally gets the title, “January blahs” for a reason not the least of which would be that at times it is a month with decreased sunlight.  Strangely & brilliantly though somehow the sun shone every single day during this recent struggle.  It was like a wink from God I thought.  I loved that.  It would be super easy for me to sit here right now & list off the numerous frustrations that I received every day & frankly face every day with my health in one way or another however instead my mind is very much by choice going in a completely different direction.  My mind is very much in the land of listing the blessings that I am grateful for instead.  The blessing that tops my list is the gratitude that I feel about the care & love that I am one lucky rascal to have.  My circle of friends is so encouraging & kind & I am incredibly thankful to each & every one of these gems.  My husband & sons are my angels disguised as people.  One night when I was burning ketones & having to check my blood sugars every 2 hours & drink a ridiculous amount of water my husband set his alarm every 2 hours & checked on me to make sure that I tested my glucose.  He did this without fanfare & by choice because he is my everyday superhero.  Our sons have profoundly beautiful hearts filled with kindness.  They can be rascals yet they are indescribably naturally spiritual & loving.  They get “it.”  The gift of family fills me with thankfulness. 

When I was still not feeling at all well & had managed to get about 2 hours sleep one night the first blessing that caught my eyes when I woke up one morning was our golden retriever who was sound asleep on the floor right next to our bed.  What  a loyal friend & a sight of comfort.  She is a snuggly sweetheart & I love big time sharing our home & family with our goldie.  The next blessing that I noticed that particular morning when I woke up was 2 pieces of paper right beside my pillow.  Both of these papers had creations by our second born son, Brian on them.  The first page had a poem on it by Brian.  Here is what it said, “My Mom’s love is so strong, it can touch the heart of everyone!  My Mom gives my brothers & I each a turn to have our own special time & I love that we each get a turn.  Her abundance of love is so beautiful & powerful.  This is all true but there is more to say & it is impossible to show my mom’s love on paper.  My Mom’s love is like a circle that has no end.”  Then he signed it, “Love Brian” & “p.s.  I can’t even fit all of your love on all the paper in the world.”  The other page was a surprise comic by Brian that he put at the top, “for my dear mommy love your middle son, Brian.”  Several days prior to that I remember Brian asking me what I thought he should draw a cartoon about.  I had jokingly said that it would be fun to see a cartoon about a giraffe having chai tea.  He had replied, “oh no, I am not able to draw giraffes so I won’t draw that.”  The comic strip that he had put beside my pillow that morning was of a giraffe having chai tea at a tea shop.  The store keeper in the comic was insisting that there was no charge for the tea because he just wanted everyone to be happy & put a smile on everyone’s face.  I can sure tell you that the comic made me smile ear to ear.  All 3 of our sons just naturally gave me extra hugs & “I love you Mom” when I was struggling & what a treasure their love is.  These are 3 pretty fabulous rascal sons we share this beautiful messy life with.  I love them big time & big time again to infinity. I like to tell them often that I love them to heaven & back again.   And the list of blessings goes on to not only include family & friends yet also to include:  books, tea, a warm fireplace, soft music, loud music, the warmth of home, 2pm espresso time, beeswax candles, cozy blankets, homemade soup, movies, and more & of course the will to choose to be grateful.

My heart’s hope for you is that when you find yourself going through struggles that you treat yourself as you would a beloved friend.  And may there always be an infinite list of blessings that you are thankful for through life’s entire journey.

Smiles, Saundie :)

In the spirit of one of the themes throughout Star Wars, “may the force be with you.”  The “force” during challenges with our health is the light that we can hold up to realize that we can find a way through the not so great days.  The “dark side” to me is that knee jerk reaction that comes sometimes when I just want to get away from the bad days.  Again, there is no running from ourselves though so finding a way through with care, kindness & love from ourselves to ourselves & from others I think is also “the force.”  The best part about love is that it never ends & it is precious in that it is constantly renewing itself.  It is the greatest gift.  Next Monday’s writing is “Advise or Advice.”