If you & I give ourselves a couple of quiet moments to just sit down, take a really deep breath & just be, what kind of things come immediately to mind afterwards?  Maybe it is the getting ourselves at times to calm our minds in the first place that is the bigger challenge.  Do we try to edit, rationalize, analyze or just be okay with the thoughts that come to us after we spend time in quiet reflection?  My experience is that most times I have a zillion reasons why taking quiet time cannot be a possibility.  And for sure, once I finally do enter into quiet reflection I have over the years tried to indeed edit, rationalize & analyze the feelings.  Also, I have denied feelings at times because honestly I have either not felt strong enough or ready enough to meet them head on when they are the truly uncomfortable feelings.  They are the epitome of cutting through all the cluttering yet ultimately unmeaning thoughts & feelings & actions & getting to what really matters.  The what really matters thoughts, feelings & actions are at times difficult to meet head on because often it can mean that we must make changes to our lives for one thing.  It is the easiest thing in the world to cling to the old ways of thinking, behaving & being.  Is our first response to change resistance?  We are each beautiful originals so we each get to answer that question for ourselves.

The thing that I learned vividly many years ago was that I cannot outrace my feelings.  That is really just another way of saying that it is impossible to run away from our inner most feelings.  It is a little like burying a treasure ourselves & knowing exactly where it is yet denying that we do in my experience.  Emotions can be exhausting at times, right?  Dealing with loss I have found to be an ongoing challenge that I decide each & every time to meet head on in the present.  To say that the loss of people dear to us is heartbreaking is an understatement.  For me though either numbing out or trying to run from my feelings surrounding loss does not work at all.  I have learned to find the way that best honours my loved one to stir in some love in quiet, behind the scenes ways that celebrate their lives.  And I let myself be as sad as I am for as long as that takes.  At the same time though, I always find that there is a natural magnification of the beauty in the world as well.  That is the gift that I have found within not denying, editing, analyzing or running away from my feelings during times of loss.  It can be really easy to miss the gifts of beauty.  I have found that to be especially true if I am too busy trying to run away from uncomfortable feelings.  It is when I go ahead & meet the feelings head on that the moments of beauty are as vivid as a neon sign. 

Illness I believe is loss as well.  When we or someone we love becomes chronically ill, we can be met with feelings in most cases of profound loss.  Everyone is an original so we feel this loss in different ways & deal with it in our own way.  I know that I battled my feelings big time when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  It is not as easy as saying that I had to get to a point of accepting that I have type 1.  Instead, I found that I had to work through my feelings surrounding this disease that I loathe & finally let it be what it is.  That might sound the same as acceptance but I kind of don’t think that it is.  The reason I think that way is that it is more of a continuous letting it be what it is kind of thing.  In other words, I did not wake up one day & just come to accept it.  I find that some days are better than others with the type 1 beast & my feelings surrounding living with it.  Every day though on some level I make a decision to let it be what it is without any denial that I have it or knowledge that I have to manage the crap out of it to better my health odds, analyze the disease or my feelings or try to run away from feeling the full range of emotions that come with fighting type 1.  There are so many illnesses besides type 1.  My heart goes out to anyone battling any type of disease as well as the families that support the battle warriors.  The battles that we each fight together with either type 1 or any disease is way beyond merely exhausting I believe. 

Right now I feel sad, strong, exasperated & grateful all at once.  The sadness is the most natural feeling in the world because a few days ago yet another friend lost her earthly battle to the cruelty of cancer.  I have lost 3 friends to the cruelty of cancer in the past year.  Each of these 3 friends this year though have had in common unshakeable faith, grace & an unbelievable gratitude & nurturing way of caring for others even more profoundly as they became sicker & sicker.  They each had a peace because of their unwavering faith.  They each said in their own beautiful ways that we are more, so much more than our bodies.  Every single act of kindness that these ladies received during their fight was met with indescribable gratitude.  Each friend gave a life time’s worth & then some of love & strength to all of us left behind & that to me is absolutely amazing.  It is hard to be sad & stranger yet it seems even more difficult for people around us at times to just let us be sad.  Maybe some people cannot handle being around others who are sad.  Other people have their hearts in the right place in that they want to cheer us up because they want to see us happy.  Is it natural to be happy all the time though?  For sure we can appear to be happy all the time.  The key word is appear.  How real is that?  We each answer that question for ourselves.  For me, I choose to live my life in bold colour with every single natural emotion.  If someone wants to cheer me up this week that is very nice yet ultimately I know I am sad because I lost a friend & that is sad.  For me it is the most natural thing in the world to feel sad about that.  I do not at any time feel just one emotion at a time though & I would think that this is true for most of us.  I mentioned that I also feel strong.  Many of us have differing beliefs especially where faith is concerned.  My steadfast, unwavering belief is that there is a God & there most definitely is heaven.  The strength that I have I know does not come from anywhere inside myself.  The strength is given to me through God’s grace & I am indescribably thankful for this.    All I know is who & what I receive profound, never emptying strength from. 

At the same time, I feel exasperated.  That is the closest word that comes to mind yet it still does not quite capture the feeling.  I feel exasperated that all these illnesses are not only still with us today, but worse than that that the numbers of people being diagnosed with serious illnesses appears to be increasing instead of decreasing.  I ask myself why that is often especially since there are brilliant minds working together on the cures.  Where are the cures?  Where are they?  People are suffering…moms, daughters, sisters, fathers, sons, brothers, friends, neighbors & our human family.  Someone has got to find a way to cure chronic illnesses.  That is what I want to hear about when I turn on the news each evening.  I personally do not want to continue to hear over dramatic, gossipy nonsense on the news but rather I want to hear about cures to diseases. 

Finally, I add with an exclamation of emotion that at the very same time I feel big time gratitude.  Remember how I mentioned earlier on that if I feel all my feelings for what they are that the gift comes?  At least one gift like that came yesterday.  I was having yet another medical procedure.  While that was happening, my husband was in the waiting room to drive me home afterwards.  My husband has been working double shifts for 6 weeks & was able to take yesterday off to help me.  That is the first thing that I am hugely thankful for.  There is no one that I feel more comfortable with at my best & worst times than my Dear Heart husband.  He understands the things I tell him & he understands when I am quieter than usual that this means something too.  He gets as well that there are times when I will blurt out a joke when I am stressed yet sees beneath the laughter that I am freaking out.  He sees beyond the surface & I love that big time!  At one point when we were driving to the procedure, in my exhausted, stressed state I told him that we may have to pull over because I could be sick at any second but that I would let him know.  He said, “Are you serious?”  Before I knew it, my response to him was, “it is an exclamation mark not a question mark!”  Then we both laughed big time.  It was great to have a little moment of decompression with the laughter together.  I was so thankful to have my husband with me through the good & bad times & all the times in between.  He is so calm & steady as it goes so it really is a blessing to be with someone who provides such an “everything is going to be alright” feeling especially since I am more of a react to everything sort of gal.  Here is something that I love sharing with you too.  While my husband was waiting in the waiting room, he told me that something lovely happened right before his eyes.  He told me that 2 older gentlemen showed up to the office.  The one gentleman was driving the other fellow.  The fellow who was the driving the other chap said that he was happy to change his plans around that morning to help the other guy out.  The other guy said that he really appreciated this especially since he had just asked for the ride the night before.  My husband thought they were likely related.  To his surprise the gentleman receiving the ride said to the gentleman giving him the ride back & forth that, “it is so thoughtful of you to drive & wait on me.”  The driver simply smiled & said, “That is what next door neighbors are for.”  What a kind & loving act.  From personal experience, I can say too that we have the best next door neighbors that you could ever be blessed enough to have.  A couple of years ago I had a non diabetic related emergency & ended up having to go by ambulance to the hospital late at night.  Our next door neighbors were over in no time offering to babysit for us no matter what time of the night it was.  My husband was so grateful because that way he was able to come to the hospital shortly after I arrived.  When we moved to our home just over 7 years ago, I was expecting our third son.  These same next door neighbors came over to introduce themselves & in the same breath said that if I went into labour & we needed a babysitter to look after our other 2 children until my parents could get here they would happily help out.  There is such goodness in people!  We can get into a funk sometimes & have some unfortunate interchanges with folks that we would rather not but I find those unfortunate interchanges are overshadowed big time by the kinds of examples like those ones of neighbors helping neighbors.  There are lots of examples like that & I know for sure that I do not want to ever forget the importance of appreciating & loving others all the time.  The story that my husband shared of this selfless neighbor helping out at the hospital really was timely on so many levels.  First of all, I had been not quite myself on Monday afternoon after I was nearly hit head on while driving to pick up our sons.  Thankfully our sons were not in the car with me at the time because I was literally shaking as I imagine a lot of people would be.  An impaired or distracted person driving a large truck drove into the wrong lane & was coming straight for me & I had nowhere to swerve to as there were only 2 lanes (his & mine) & he kept driving straight into me & I beeped the horn like crazy trying to get him to realize what was going on.  Somehow at the last second he just barely missed me.  I was certain that I was about to be hit by his truck.  It freaked me out & my reaction was to feel angry with this person who could have hurt both of us.  The feeling of that stayed with me even though I did not want it to.  Then after my husband shared the story of the waiting room with the neighbors, my perspective returned & as well as gratitude.  I realized that it is kindness that counts & it overshadows other moments big time in my life.  I have so much to be thankful for & I am thankful…big time!

Beyond thankful, I choose to live my life as an exclamation mark & not a question mark.  That means to me embracing all emotions head on & being okay with them.  It means that I never question the meaning of this or that or wonder if there is a meaning to life in general.  Instead, I live my life knowing that there is meaning & I “get” what it is for me & I live that life gratefully with an exclamation mark!

My heart’s hope for you is that throughout all the feelings that you go through that you have kind family members, friends, neighbors & even people that you don’t know well that remind you that the good outweighs the bad every time.  And may you & I remind one another that feelings are natural & that we can choose to live our lives as an exclamation mark with our full range of feelings instead of a question mark!

Smiles,

Saundie :)

Let's all be exclamations of kindness in the world.  The world needs more of this!  Next Monday's sharing is "The Ankle Bone is connected to the Collar Bone."      :)

Have you ever found yourself concentrating on things in such a micromanagement style that you have distracted yourself from the big picture?  It is a little like having our faces so close to a painting that we cannot see what the painting is all about.  To see the art piece, we have a better vantage point for fully experiencing  it when we back up & look at it from a bit of a distance so that we can take it all in.

Perhaps at times we fixate on little, wee details in life because we need to take a break from the intensity of something that is draining our energy.  That sure can be the case when we have type 1 or another “365” health challenge.  For me, I have found that most days the managing of type 1 is almost mechanical.  While we are in reality thinking about what we need to do next to work towards being as healthy as we can, we sure are unlikely to realize just how many decisions we are making & fully appreciate this.  The thing for me at least is that I don’t want to think too much at all about having type 1.  For sure I will manage it but I like to think of it as in the background with so many other things in the forefront of my life.  We could think of it like an orchestra.  There are many things that we are attending to at the same time like a conductor.  I want my type 1 to blend in with the rest of my life & not blurt out in an out of tune fashion.  That is not the way things unfold every day yet that is the goal all the same.

If there is something significantly stressful that gets dumped on top of type 1 or another “365” health challenge do we find ourselves micromanaging other aspects of our lives?  It could be a conscious decision or we could be unaware at first that we are doing this.  Yesterday, it occurred to me that I was doing both of these things at once strangely enough.  There are some medical procedures that are coming up & like most people, I am nervous about this.  The specialist’s office sent out paperwork outlining what was going to take place & how I was to prepare for these.  The paperwork arrived in my mailbox 3 weeks ago yet the procedures were not happening for another month at that time.  Purposefully, I decided not to open the letter until 1 week before the procedures.  I know myself well enough by now that I knew that opening the letter sooner would simply mean that I would stress out sooner & for a longer period & there was no point to this.  The “Serenity Prayer” has always been a guidepost to me.  The guidepost within this prayer reminded me that I have done what I can do & that it was time to “accept the things that I cannot change.”  The “courage to change what we can change” as outlined in the prayer had already occurred.  Thinking of this also brought me back in time to when I was first diagnosed with type 1.  I changed everything & affected everything that I could & then  I put one foot in front of the other each day working on the “accepting what I could not change.”  Realizing that brought me peace when it came to accepting this type 1 beast would be staying in my life.  No longer did I keep going through the perpetual loop of bargaining for better health, being frustrated & angry about the loss of my working pancreas & what a huge job that was that got dumped upon me & finally I stopped asking the question, “why me…what did I do to bring this on” in a self blaming almost accusation towards myself.  That did not happen overnight.  The point is though that the only way I could get to a point of peace living with type 1 was to do everything I could to have the best health within this diagnosis & accept it.  It was brutally difficult to get to that point because I had to allow myself to feel all the pain-filled & helpless feelings that I had about the diagnosis.  Avoiding those feelings would have amounted to a worse kind of pain though so in a feisty way, I kind of met type 1 head on over time.  There were lots of tears and the whole range of emotions but I know I am stronger for having met it all full on & feeling it.  Okay, back to the present.  I consciously did not open the letter with the details from the specialist’s office not because I was avoiding my feelings but rather because I knew that I am a natural worrier.  There was absolutely nothing I could do for 4 weeks leading up to the procedures.  Intellectually, I did know that at the 1 week before the procedures, I would need to be making practical arrangements like child care & making sure that sedated me had a ride home from the hospital.  Behind the scenes, although my efforts were valiant in my plan to minimize the worrying, my body decided to scream at me in unexpected ways.  In the last few days, my fairly good blood sugar control went skyrocketing up out of nowhere.  That is the power of a subconscious stressing out.  I suppose I could tell my mind to settle down but my body had a plan of its own.  To add to that, 2 weeks ago, I broke out in hives all over my body. They are still here.  The surprising thing to me though was that I had been going out of my way to keep things mellow & I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that.  Again my body was telling me that was not necessarily the whole story.

Over the past few weeks there were many things going on to distract me from the upcoming procedures.  My husband has been working double shifts for a month so it has been more hectic at our place with our 3 sons.  I was spread thinner & that was okay & expected & in many ways the just right way of concentrating on what was more important vs worrying about something else that I could not affect.  I have also been looking into some Paleo recipes.  Recently, I had been trying to find ways to replace dairy foods especially milk.  I had been mixing up cappuccinos at home in an effort to find a replacement for dairy milk.  It was a strange distraction.  I could not see the forest for the trees on that one.  I did not realize that figuratively speaking I was stressing over spilt milk or splitting hairs.  As a funny aside, perhaps I was a “split hare” myself as my nickname is bunny.  I had been drinking kind of gross tasting substitutes in an effort to replace the dairy milk.  Today it occurred to me that I had my face touching the painting so to speak since I was missing the full picture.  First of all, the Paleo for me is an experiment  & it will not be the end of the world if it does not work out.  Also, I only drink 4 ozs of milk in the cappuccino whenever I have this treat.  I was stressing I realized over trying to replace 4 ozs of milk.  Suddenly I realized that I had really been using the substitutions & experimentations in the recipes as a distraction from what was going on medically to the point possibly of absurd.  Since I am not lactose intolerant, I realized that 4 ozs of milk every once in a while was never here nor there “hare.”  There was no point getting “harried” about it.

The weird part about having these darned hives appear is that I really thought I had been doing a pretty good job keeping myself calm & collect.  I was not freaking out about the medical stuff.  Most of the time, I was really not thinking about it at all.  The body is a mystery.  Another time that I felt calm yet had hives appear was at the end of the first semester of first year university.  In that case though, the hives were so severe that my eyes swelled closed & the rest of my body swelled up & I ended up in the hospital right before I was scheduled to write my last exam.  I remember the doctors & nurses quickly concluding that it was me stressing out majorly that had caused this.  The strange thing though was that in my mind I did not feel stressed.  I had studied & loved my courses & really did not think that I was stressing out any more than anyone else.  I could certainly remember feeling way more stressed than this.  Still though, for whatever reason, I guess my body decided that maybe I was suppressing my emotions & gave me a neon sign that something was going on.

Stress does bizarre things to our bodies sometimes with or without type 1 I have come to realize.  Another case in point of this was that last night I was attacking the laundry monster & had tested my blood sugar a few minutes prior to going to the laundry room & it was sitting at about 8.  About 20 minutes later, I started seeing all kinds of black dots all over my eyes.  That is something that I seldom experience yet when I do it means that my blood sugar has taken a nose dive.  That’s stress again working in full force.  Stress is strange where my blood sugars go with type 1.  Sometimes stress will send my blood sugars into orbit…like if I watch a scary movie or if someone pops out at me or I see a reptile.  Then other times stress will send my blood sugars into a sudden nose dive…like if I am worried about our sons, my family or friends or about a medical challenge.

Maybe about now, I could write a true joke about what has black dots & red dots all over it & the answer would be me.  Neither of these things are permanent so I am not stressing over the stressing.  I am keeping it in perspective at least emotionally & intellectually.  There are a couple of positives & they are that all the spots are temporary & at least it is not shorts & t-shirts season & so far the one place that I don’t have the hive spots is on my face so no one needs to see me sweat so to speak especially since I don’t really feel stressed.  My body I suppose has decided to stress out yet our body is just one part of us.  I am still okay…better than okay dots or no dots. 

Through all of life’s ups & downs the “Serenity Prayer” in its wise simplicity has been a welcome & peace-giving guide post.  My heart’s hope for you is that you too have a guide post for peace.  The ups & downs will always be there yet we get to choose to pursue peace through all of the mountains & valleys.  And best of all, we can choose to share the ups & downs with one another & feel supported & care for.  That’s what battle buddies are best at!

Smiles, Saundie :D

May your week ahead be dot-free & next week's sharing is "Question or Exclamation Mark"  :)

Have you ever toured a wine vineyard & then experienced the wine tasting afterwards?  Before my husband & I had children we had a getaway weekend to Niagara on the Lake.  One  activity available in the area  is to enjoy  the many wineries that you can just happen upon.  It is interesting to learn about the crops & the farming side of the business & then notice all the awards proudly displayed on the Ontario winery bottles. 

Thankfully I have taken myself lightly especially while on mini vacations.  During that first wine tasting, there was no exception to that rule.  Perhaps in fact, my “lightness” was magnified.  While the large enough crowd of people filled the wine tasting room, we were all educated by the expert working at the winery.  For the life of me I will forever remember a few people in the room that were trying to convince me that I tasted honey, raspberries, apricots, dates, cherries and many other things.  It was kind of hilarious. It was great for those folks who had experienced palates & refinements beyond mine.  There was no way though that I would admit to tasting things that I did not & that kind of irritated a few people especially because I just did not think my life depended upon all of that & it didn’t.  What I admitted to was that the wine tasted like delicious grapes.  I know, I know, I may have been a troglodyte amongst the folks who had the experienced palates.  We are all exactly ourselves.  If I enjoy a cup of tea, I taste the full rainbow of tastes & experience bliss but to me grapes taste like grapes.  That is not a bad thing.  The thing is that why do folks feel the need to try to talk us into believing something that we don’t believe?  It is really pretty funny to me (fancy penguin).

You may be wondering what in the world kind of path we are going to land on about now with these thoughts.  Here it comes.  A person that I respect greatly suggested that I try to change my nutrition plan to Paleo.  She explained why it might work for me. I am not suggesting that anyone else should experiment based on my experiences with his or her nutrition plan or program.  Please make your own healthy choices along with your doctor, nurse and dietician.  Remember, I am not a health care worker.  The other thing is that I don’t even know at this point if this is a suitable nutrition program for me or whether I will modify this version or seek a different nutrition program in the near or far future.  The thing I do know is that so far I have not missed white flour & that is a start.  Again, we are each beautiful originals with individual needs nutritionally & otherwise.  Please be sure to make your decisions based on what is right for you along with your doctor, nurse, dietician & other diabetes educators on your team. 

 I have had & continue to have severe abdominal pain & profound nausea.  It has been there for 3 continuous years.  When it is at its worst, plans get cancelled & I writhe in pain with several hot bags & just hope that it will be less painful the next day.  I am going to be going for tests & procedures a great deal of the month of April.  I am determined to find out what this is & conquer it.  So far there is a list of “it might be this or that’s” as well as another even longer list of what I do not have.  It often seems more complicated than I can believe would be possible.  It is what it is for now.  After doing a little bit of reading up on what Paleo is & what types of foods that would include & which ones it would not I decided that I will give it a try.  I am determined to substitute the majority of foods that I enjoy already with the healthier version in the new Paleo cookbook.  So far that is working out to a degree.  Just because I am subbing in something for something else & it even looks the same does not mean that it tastes the same though.  In other words, it is the analogy of the grapes & being told that they taste like honey.  Here’s an example of a food that is not being a success so far for me & that is dairy.  I decided to replace milk with almond milk.  First I tried natural almond milk.  The first thing that excited me about making that change is that the almond milk has 2 grams of carbs per cup vs the dairy milk of 15 grams per cup.  The taste to me though is gross.  I am sure it will be just fine in a smoothie but to drink on its own…well I don’t see it as something that I look forward to put it mildly.  I thought next that perhaps the vanilla almond milk would be scrumptious.  I love the taste of vanilla so it appealed to me in my mind.  I decided to make a cappuccino at home with the vanilla almond milk.  It frothed up beautifully & it looked every bit as delicious as the one I was used to with dairy milk.  Then I tasted it.  Oh my goodness gracious, to my taste buds it was far from a treat.  I had hoped that I would like it & would be able to put it in my coffee instead of dairy cream but I don’t really want to entertain it.  Maybe I will start drinking my coffee black.  I am not ready to throw in the towel yet.  What I need to do is make a friend who is a barista who can give me some pointers on how to replicate a cappuccino Paleo style that tastes like the ones I love.   I still think that there may be a way to develop a recipe that will work.

Speaking of the tests & procedures, the next thing on my wish list is a time machine.  Why a time machine?  In a couple of days, I am having 2 procedures done in the morning.  It is great to have the detailed medical instructions on how patients are to prepare for these procedures.  I will need a time machine though at first glance of the details.  For one procedure I have to take medication at a certain time & for the other procedure I cannot take the medication at all because the time between the procedures is very close together.  In that case, I will need a time machine to take the medicine that I need to take & then reverse it I guess for the other procedure.  Seriously though, it is just one of those square peg, round hole situations & as an adult with type 1 diabetes, I am no stranger to being a square peg.  There will be a creative solution & of course I will ask the doctor’s office for clarification.  My fingers are crossed that I do not on top of it go into low blood sugar because I have to fast for a long time for the procedures.  It is complicated but not insurmountable. 

The thing about April being full of medical appointments & procedures & tests is that I can choose to be responsible & do what I need to do to get my answers & find a way to live the best life that I can with or without type 1, abdominal pain & nausea & other challenges.  These are serious responsibilities yet at the same time, I plan on packing in even more times to take myself lightly in between all the medical stuff.  The plan is to be around Dear Hearts that have infectious laughs, watch more comedy movies, read more “Far Side” cartoons & taste all that life blesses us with.  The plan is to feel the fresh air on my face for a minimum of 45 minutes every day, rain or shine & smile as carefree & as wide as our goldie, Beddy.  She is a kind of my mentor for taking myself lightly.  In the meantime, I will continue to experiment with my new cookbook & hopefully cook up some dishes that taste yummy. 

Last week when I was out one afternoon with our oldest son enjoying 7 delicious bites of cheesecake, Matt said something that I thought was exactly right on.  He said, “Mom, look around this café.  Have you noticed that we are the happiest, most animated people here?”  He said, that with such delicious desserts being enjoyed that it did not make sense for everyone not to be as happy.  Dessert is not a serious business we thought.  When the stress outweighs the bliss of the dessert then that is kind of sad we thought.  There are lots of serious parts of life for sure & everyone deals with challenges & struggles differently.  What works for me will not be the magic formula for someone else.  I am happy all the same to keep being over happy, animated & full of laughter whenever I go out to the café with Matt.  The only reason to want a time machine during those times is to enjoy them over & over again even more so.  (minus of course the carbs & calories).  It is my time machine so I think I could make that rule.

My heart’s hope for you is that you don’t find yourself in a square peg, round hole situation where you are yearning for a time machine.  And may you be the most animated, joy-filled person anywhere you go to de-compress.

Smiles,  Saundie :D

Next Monday's sharing is "Stressing over Spilt Milk, Splitting Hairs & Seeing Dots"  which is another way of describing blood sugars "gone bad" due to amongst other things me breaking out in hives big time.  Oh yikes...but maybe by next Monday they will be gone?  Smiles through "dots" in the meantime :)

Most of us have heard the saying, “have our cake & eat it too.”  Maybe we bake a homemade cake or perhaps instead we feast our eyes on a delicacy of a cake at the bakery.  Do you like cake?  Is it something else that speaks to your taste buds instead?  Try to picture the sweet treat right now.  The idea is to picture our favourite yummy treat, one that we love yet have this only a time or two or three a year.

If you don’t have diabetes then it is unlikely that you receive too much feedback on whatever happens to be on your plate while you are eating around others.  On the other hand, if you & I share  type 1 diabetes then we have likely heard too many times from people criticizing our choices. Why in the world do other people offer unsolicited advice?  At times others probably have their hearts in the right places yet remain unknowledgeable about what we can & cannot eat with type 1 diabetes.  Being an adult & an insulin pumper, I really do feel completely annoyed with the critique offered by others that just don’t get it.  Have you found yourself at this point from time to time too?  There are a couple of things that don’t work for me with my personality style & they are:  sarcasm & passive aggression so these are responses that I don’t engage in.  If I am cheesed off, I just say so in what I hope is a respectful, polite, informative fashion.  The times frankly in my life that I have wanted to kick my own butt are times when I have failed to choose to stand up for myself.  I like to believe that I have learned from those times & so for many years now, whether it feels easy or not, I choose to stand up for others & myself when the odd person gets it all wrong or is  behaving in an aggressive or bullying fashion.  Like most people, I have zero tolerance for bullying & find it rampant enough in interchanges between children & jarringly rampant as well amongst adults.  In my mind unwarranted criticism for the sake of criticism is a form of bullying behaviour.  For example if someone puts another person down to pull that person down to his or her level of misery then I personally would call that bullying behaviour.  If someone uses another person’s health challenge as a springboard to behave in a miserable, negative, nagging, critical fashion then I will do a couple of things.  The first thing is that I will call a spade a spade & the second thing is that I will let the person know that we are not going to have future interchanges like this again.  Okay, for sure there is the odd person here & there that digs his or her heels in convinced that they have to be right at all costs & will not listen to another vantage point or accept that they have behaved in a hurtful way.  In these instances, people may choose to tell us that we are the ones with the problem.  We may hear it in the statement that we are “too sensitive” or a variant of that.  If that is the case then I choose to love those particular folks from a distance.  I am not going to “go to war” with them though.  It equates a little like trying to reason with a 3 year old having a tantrum.  It is just not going to go well.  And the next step is that I feel cheesed off & then move the heck on.

Do you know what can curdle cheese cake faster than anything else I have ever experienced?  It is the odd sour critic who says to me from time to time, “you are not going to eat that, are you because that would be a big mistake!”  Hold on a minute, how does anyone who is a responsible adult enjoy being talked down to or being treated like a 5 year old child?  That is pretty rhetorical.  Please don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about folks that say to us something along the lines of “I did not think that people with diabetes can eat dessert.”  That is different.  That is just someone learning something new or changing a myth that is prevalent in society.  I am referring instead to someone basically attacking us verbally for being so “dopey.”  They sometimes are convinced that we have forgotten that we cannot eat the thing they have decided for us would surely lead to our immediate demise.  Come on! 

Two to three times a year I go ahead & enjoy one of my favourite desserts & that is cheese cake.  It is rich & I taste every bite with glee & the magic number of bites to complete bliss for me is 7.  Just naturally after 7 bites of cheese cake I am completely satisfied & down goes the fork.  There is no demise in sight either while I enjoy my 7 perfect bites.  Instead, I just figure out the math (carb to insulin ratio) like a responsible person & give my insulin pump a press of the appropriate number. 

One of the things that I like to jokingly say is choose wisely whenever I am out with friends or family & we are checking out desserts.  It is always with a wink because everyone that knows me knows that I mean, choose the dessert that is going to put the biggest smile on your face & do that guilt free.  Beyond choosing a treat from time to time, I have found that it is every bit as important to choose the dessert buddy wisely.  Who wants to ruin a treat by being in the company of someone who is criticizing our every choice.  It is not like we are going to go into “Mr. Creosille” mode!  I have a specific Dear Heart that shares a love of cheese cake so that is the “go to guy” 2-3 times a year to share those 7 perfect bites with.  This go to guy is our oldest son Matt.  There is no way that there is any mention of whether we should have cheese cake.  The discussion is instead of what kind to try this time around.  Do I think it is a good idea for me as a person with type 1 to enjoy this wee treat a few times a year?  No of course not!  I think it is a great idea!  Type 1 diabetes has quite enough to say about so many things day to day so I give it the big thumbs down in any say as to whether or not I will enjoy a treat here & there.  I like to call that the quietening of the beast that is type 1. 

Some people like to order dessert with a dollop of whip cream or a scoop of ice cream or a dessert minus part of it or hold that part of the dessert.  My attitude is  that I will have the cheese cake please, hold the comments, unsolicited, incorrect advice or critical insinuations & add instead an extra helping of glee & the perfect dessert buddy.

What does not amuse me is when a person looks at me like I am going to be  a “goner” because I am enjoying a treat from time to time.  I know what I am doing.  The proof of this is that I woke up to see today yet again & have been doing just this now for over 6 years while living with type 1.  We literally keep ourselves alive each day while we live with type 1.  I know I have to be responsible & I am responsible.  It is my belief that there are times that as people living with type 1 we do not receive the credit that is due for being responsible.  When I was first diagnosed with type 1 I remember a training nurse who stated that diabetics cannot be in charge of making decisions.  That was not only a strange statement, but it was also so far from the reality that I know I live day in & day out.  I have to make decisions for myself that sustain life.  I hate having type 1 but I would detest it even more if I believed for one minute that I was not the one ultimately making the best health choices for myself.  For sure I have had plenty of guidance along the way but ultimately I live my own life & I make the day in day out responsible decisions that keep me waking up each day.  The nurse trainer basically went on to imply that I was merely a new dopey type 1 diabetic who surely must be clueless.  It took microseconds for that myth to be dispelled.  We have to make choices day in & day out in between our endocrinologist appointments at the very least.  For me that means at a minimum, I keep myself vertical in 6 month increments & there is nothing dopey about that.  We keep ourselves literally alive & that is an adult reality so being referred to as a “dopey diabetic” is a huge oxymoron.  We do all the lifting for the function of what used to be the job of our pancreas & we do it 24-7.  Do you know what that means to me?  That means that we are running our own life saving process control around the clock, 365 days a year.  Do you know what I believe that makes us?  That makes us honourary senior process engineers.  Would someone speak to a senior process engineer the way they speak to us sometimes?  Well, if we are not being respected for the phenomenal job that we are doing running our process 24-7, then it is time in my mind to look for more people to surround ourselves with that “get it.” 

If someone goes out of his or her way to treat  me or others living with diabetes as if we are  “dopey diabetics” then I correct them big time.  The times when the words don’t permeate for whatever reason, I invoke what I like to call the “fancy penguin” approach.  Our oldest son, Matt is an incredible artist.  His drawings wow me big time!  About a year ago, Matt drew a character that he named “fancy penguin” & every single time I see it, I smile from ear to ear.  The great thing about art is that once you have experienced it, you can keep it in your treasured memory banks forever.  When someone is being especially difficult, I just picture that fancy penguin & I really find the level of agitation dwindles & is replaced with a laugh instead.  Instead of going to war with the person behaving in a difficult way or choosing to be sarcastic or passive aggressive, I bring out the best weapon of all, the fancy penguin.  Who doesn’t love a fancy penguin after all!

This honourary process engineer will keep on enjoying those 7 perfect bites sometimes with friends or family that get it & other times with fancy penguin!

My heart’s hope for you is that you give yourself huge credit for the job that you do day in & day out.  Maybe you choose to be a honourary process engineer.  Some days you may need the fancy penguin.  Through it all, may we always know that we expect to be treated with the respect that comes with being a honourary process engineer.

Smiles, Saundie :)

May your week ahead be fancy penguin free & see you next Monday for a new blog sharing :)

“Tag, you’re it!”  “Hey, I am just minding my own business & did not ask to play in these games & besides that, I have a plan” you & I may be saying.  Still, we are in “it” neck deep.

For the past three or so years, I have really looked forward to six weeks that happen over part of the winter season.  It is one of two times of the year where I actually assess how things are going & I do it quietly & plan fully.   If my path has become crooked then I try my best to straighten things out to the best of my abilities.  It is a process of seeing how my current habits are serving the important areas of my life like physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual.  It is asking whether things are going forward in a healthy direction or if a course correction is needed.

What happens though when we have the plan, the commitment to the plan & we are determined to do it & ready, set, derail, poof?

How many days in a row can we wake up & claim that this is a new day & it will be “the” day that things get on the right track?  How many days can accumulate before we throw our arms in the air at times in frustration at it not being yet again the fresh start that we had hoped for?  It is one thing I find if my intentions are admirable yet my actions are lacking.  It is then the person staring back at me in the mirror that I then hold accountable.  What if though, the plan is in place, the intention is there & the actions are put into place & yet the outcome is basically the polar opposite despite best efforts?  That to me feels like the definition of exasperation.

Type 1 diabetes taught me a long time ago that the best intentions don’t always find the results that are deserved.  It is an exasperating disease.  So many times I have mentioned that with type 1 you can do everything right & still get stinking results.  You can make plans & they can go the way of the doo doo bird for a time because when type 1 screams at me it is ear shattering.  Type 1 can feel like we are carrying an one thousand pound boulder around & it crazy glued to us.  Type 1 sometimes leaves me feeling like my life is in limbo especially when the fight against it is grueling & my spirit tells me each evening before my head hits the pillow that tomorrow will be a fresh start.  It is a fresh start for sure & I will always feel this way yet it is at the same time a fresh start with the same boulder.  The thing with boulders though is that the load is bearable with love & compassion & hope I have found.  I know with every part of me that on no day have I ever carried the heaviest part of the load of the boulder on my own & I am deeply grateful for this.  Some days I go ahead & get sad or angry or feisty or any range of emotions about having type 1 diabetes yet there is no giving up.  Our youngest son has a beautiful way of saying so naturally every time someone is an outlier, “there’s nothing wrong with being different.”  To add to that, I have seldom been afraid of feeling the full range of emotions so I think having type 1 has definitely magnified that.  As Alex says, “we share sensitive hearts.”  There is everything right with that in my heart & I love this.

Here it is three weeks into the six week time period that I had previously found so medicinal, peaceful & grounding & I am at best at the stage of “ready, set, set, set, set, set….”  It is not for lack of trying & that is what bugs me the most.  The plan was to go deeper into reflecting on what needs changing or tweaking & taking action to get on the right track in the areas of health & wellness in every sense of the meaning (physical, emotional, spiritual & learning).  What I have come to realize at week three is that perhaps my planning, determination & actions are fine but there is a greater lesson for me to learn at this point.  Although I cannot be sure, my gut feeling is that the journey & reflection for this six weeks are not going to be on my terms yet there is going to be something strengthening in another way in store.  I have made a decision to embrace humility big time for the balance of these three weeks & gulp…patience.  Humility is a focus because maybe just maybe I need to realize that just because I have a plan & am determined to see it unfold a certain way does not mean that there is not another way…even a better way.  A long time ago, a mentor said to me, “you don’t know what you don’t know because to know & not to do is not to know.”  This six weeks is unlike previous years because I have been pretty much continuously really sick not just with type 1 but with other illnesses on top of that.   To add to that, I see my calendar full of medical tests, procedures & appointments.  It looks like a full time job managing my health & appointments but it cannot be because there is so much,much more to each day.  It kind of feels complicated.  It will be okay though because the love & support that my family & friends give is indescribable.  It is amazing how someone can say just the right thing at the right time or simply smile knowingly or give our hands a squeeze that can give us the parallel feeling of a heavy weight lifter. 

Type 1 had a way of getting through to me finally that it is okay to let others in to share in lifting the boulder.  Before I was diagnosed with type 1, I used to be the gal that listened to others & helped others yet portrayed to the outside world that I was doing great.  It was a one way lean on me.  That makes for a loop sided relationship though I have come to realize & it was also selfish, limiting & stagnant of me.  It was selfish because it is my feeling that it would have been more generous of me to have shared my struggles versus always seeming to be having a right on day every day.  Connections are made within the spirit of the “me too.”  To get there, I learned to be okay with being vulnerable, even at times being hurt by others.  It has been & it so worth it to feel such heart to heart connections.  It was limiting to be a closet perfectionist of sorts because it was like I did not put my whole heart out there fully to the majority of people.  In the safety of my home I felt the full range of emotions yet in public, I was perceived as happy it seemed all the time.  I realize too that I missed opportunities to do what I really love best & that really is to serve others & connect fully heart to heart with others because I am sure that at times some people felt that my life was too perfect for me to understand his or her current struggle.  It was stagnant way to have relationships because I really only allowed others to know a certain portion of me as if the rest was totally unacceptable like failing or crying or being angry.  It all became so crystal clear though I admit once I was diagnosed with type 1.  All of that became a total waste of time…the holding back.  It is obviously not at all good to have type 1 or any health challenge.  The lessons though that having type 1 have already taught me are profound.  I wish I could have gotten to this point another way but it is what it is.

In the last few days, I started letting the rest of the six weeks be what it is going to be.  Please don’t get me wrong, I am still taking incredible care of managing the type 1 beast & still going to all the barrage of appointments & procedures & tests.  My attitude & my stubborn willfulness have taken a 360 turn though.  The coolest result is that the boulder feels lighter than it has over the past 3 weeks.  Today, the nausea that I have been living with for years now lifted for 5 glorious hours while our sons & I went to the movies & then to a favourite bakery afterwards.  Over the past couple of months there have been more & more foods that have lead to nausea & pain.  Strangely in the last 2 weeks, I cannot seem to keep coffee down & I hope that is temporary.  Even my beloved tea over the past 10 days tastes “funky” & undesirable which is big time weird.  That I really, really hope is short lived but thankfully water has never tasted so good so that’s an upside.  Surprisingly today at the bakery as the boys were choosing their sinful cupcakes, I looked with a gleam in my eye at what I consider to be amongst the yummiest cannolies anywhere & thought what the heck, why not give it a try. 

Wholly cannoli, that cannoli against the odds hit the spot so I pressed my luck & married it up with a scrumptious cappuccino.  Yay, I caught a break finally & enjoyed the treat symptom free.  While we were having our treats together, our sons & I found ourselves breaking out into a natural game of “I Spy” & laughing & then talking about our favourite parts of the movie that we enjoyed together today.  We had watched “Mr. Peabody & Sherman” & it was a hoot.  I shared with the boys that my second favourite part of the movie was the line in it that said “every dog should have a boy.”  It hit me as especially endearing because our family is “owned” by a golden retriever.  That’s always the way we have looked at it too & that is that we are “owned” by our golden retriever & never the other way around.  Every single day we are grateful to wake up to the smile on our furry goldie’s face & her wagging tail.  She is just herself & she is pretty terrific even when she rolls in the mud or tips her water dish over when she is playing in it like a wadding pool or in the summer when she jumps into the boys wading pool covered in mud when they are already in there.  Wholly cannoli, it is what it is & we are what we are.  Diabetes is what it is.  It is okay to let it be what it is & be who we are with or without diabetes I have learned through time & life’s journey so far.  And I know that my mentor’s words of “we don’t know what we don’t know…” will forever be true.  That’s okay too.  The lesson is there for me to learn & be okay with the way it all unfolds.  I don’t know what tomorrow has in store yet I do know this much & that is that I choose to never carry that boulder alone ever. 

My heart’s hope for you is that you feel the compassion & love of others helping you carry boulders along your life’s journey too.  We are not meant to do anything of any real significance alone I believe.  Just as every dog should have a boy, every person should have a battle buddy.

Smiles, Saundie :)

Have a delicious week & see you next Monday for the next blog sharing :)

“A bee, a bee, a bee” was the first sentence that our oldest son uttered when he was a wee boy learning how to speak.  No one has found the off switch since that first sentence for our son, Matthew.  You know that my mind meanders in many different directions so you may wonder how we will travel from talking about these first words to where I am really heading & that is towards tests.  As always, please hold on tight & I promise we will get there.

That first sentence struck me as funny then & humorous still.  Kids can be such characters.  They can say the funniest things & bring a smile to our faces that brightens our day when we least expect it.  And we get to hold on to these memories & laugh yet again later. 

A memory of my own childhood that brings a smile to my face is remembering back to when my parents were planning for the building of our first house.  My Dad did the drawings for the house which I thought was cool & he brought them out often especially when we were anticipating the digging of the foundation.  I was 7 years old so I remember it all well.  I remember the property when it was vacant followed by what I called the “digging for dew worms” which was really the digging to prepare to lay the foundation.  Not long after we moved in, to my delight, I discovered that the beekeepers & the honey house were located directly across the road from our new home.  Warm, fresh honey was literally a “hop, step & a jump away.”  I loved the smell & the appearance & of course the taste of hot,fresh honey.  When we would be running low on honey for our morning tea & toast, my Dad & I would grab a few empty mason jars from home & then walk over to the honey house together to replenish our liquid yum yum supply.  Mr. Reekie the beekeeper would greet everyone in a huge yet unsurprised fashion.  If he had a bubble caption above his head it would have said, “ah yes, I was expecting you.”  In all the years that we visited the honey house to pick up fresh honey, I never once was stung by a honey bee.  Oh like so many other people, for sure I have been stung a few times by wasps but never a honey bee.  As an endearing aside although Mr. Reekie sold his beekeeping business many years ago, and the honey house has moved down the road & around the corner, to this day, every drop of honey that I enjoy is still from those honey bees from Georgian Bay.  My Dad often makes the little trip to the honey house on his own but he still makes sure we still have fresh honey for our tea & toast even  though we are almost 3 hours away each way.  And my Aunt Saundra (who must have been named after me (ha! ha!) always gives our family a gorgeous basket filled with honey from “The Honeyhouse” as well from “home” every Christmas.  It is an honour to be named after my Aunt Saundra.  She is an Aunt & friend all wrapped up into one.  She has the most incredible & infectious laugh, so profoundly musically talented, an expert scrap booker, shares a sentimental heart & lives “a hop, step & a jump” from where the beekeepers are located.

In one form or another, bees have been a string that has been woven throughout my life.  My parents still live in the home that my Dad drew up those plans for.  When our sons & I visit Mom & Dad, my Dad often takes our sons to the honey house.  Our sons love going there & they ask the beekeepers so many questions & they get to peer through the window where the bees are working to make the fresh honey.  No trip is complete without a taste tester of fresh, warm honey on a Popsicle stick.  The smell alone beckons you in as you descend the hill to get to the honey house. 

Just over a year ago, my dear cousin, Di returned home to introduce the family to her new “honey bee” baby.  It was a huge treat since Di lives on the other side of the country now.  Instantly, Di & I referred to the family get together as our colony & we smiled inside & out.  Our second born son had made a large cut out bee & coloured it in & we hung it in the room that we had the family party.  There were lots of homemade goodies including a carrot cake that I made with honey from “home” in it for this special occasion.

About a year ago, I spotted a movie by the name of “The Secret Life of Bees.”  I don’t often purchase dvd’s but this one I found myself gravitated to.  When the dvd reached home, I put it in the entertainment centre & kind of forgot about it for a long time.  About 3 weeks ago, I felt compelled out of nowhere to watch it.  It did not take long for me to realize that this film is a real keeper (no pun intended).  The meaningfulness in the film is indescribable.  I could not do it justice.  I could not help but see that the timing was perfect.  There it was again, the honey bees.  There they were again, in another form teaching me yet again.  Now I have finally come to realize that the learning that is being weaved in this way never truly ends & that is a great thing.

Okay, back to the parallel of “a bee, a bee, a bee” & “a test, a test, a test.”  Not to get too “woe is me” but I cannot believe how unwell I have been since January 2^nd.  It has literally been one illness after the other & some even intersecting & that of course is always on top of type 1 diabetes.  The pains in my abdomen got so progressively unbearable that finally stubborn me went back to my family doctor & described what is going on.  This resulted in many upcoming referrals for tests & procedures.  Three tests/procedures require that I fast 12-24 hours.  Most people have experienced the dreaded fast for tests or procedures from time to time.  I know I experience a 12 hour fast every 6 months prior to my A1C blood lab appointment.  Personally, I don’t care about the fact that I cannot eat or will be hungry until after the test is over.  The thing that bugs me is that I have to somehow make sure that I don’t have low blood sugar otherwise I have to take a fast acting sugar & then I cannot go for the test if that happens.  Then I have to start all over a different day & try again.  Sometimes when I am stressed out, my blood sugars will go high & sometimes they will go low so I cannot always know how to best adjust my background insulin while pumping.  It is a moving target in other words.

In the spirit of “a test, a test, a test”, I had been thinking that having to fast for 3 tests/procedures over the next 4 weeks is going to be a royal pain in the sense that I had to make sure that my blood sugars did not go low & thus make the tests unattainable to me on the first dates that they are each scheduled.  It is complicated & then complicated again.  Worrying I know will not change any outcomes but worry was my natural response.  It turns out that I was about to be involved in involuntary studying for a test, a test, a test.  Last week on top of all the other challenges, I came down with strep throat. I have never had that before but I had the worst sore throat of my life so I went to the walk in clinic nearby.  The doctor on call told me that usually kids get strep throat.  To lighten things up a bit I told him that I must be a kid at heart because I was diagnosed with what is usually a childhood disease of juvenile (type 1) diabetes when I was an adult.  I said to the doctor that I would not be surprised to have any childhood illness since I must still be a kid at heart.  He took the throat swab & he told me that I had  a severe case of strep throat.  This is where the involuntary studying comes in.  It is very painful to swallow let alone drink or eat when you have severe strep throat.  For 4 days last week, I was pretty close to being on a continuous fast.  Here’s the silver lining though & that is that my blood sugars were pretty rocking!  It proved to me that I can do a fast, a fast, a fast & a test, a test, a test & “bee” okay.  I’ve got this.  I can do this.  I will do this 3 times over in the next 4 weeks & I am going to keep rocking good blood sugar results.  I have decided it.

My heart’s hope for you is that you find a silver lining in every cloud that comes your way.  You’ve got this.  Believe in yourself.

Smiles, Saundie :)

Tests come in all forms yet through each & every one of them may we all know that we are not just strong enough, but getting stronger with every challenge along the way.  Grace & friendship for this week's journey everyone.  See you next Monday for a new blog sharing :)

Hi Dear Hearts,

This morning I had the most sore throat ever so went to the doctor & have strep throat...painful...plus the gastroperesis is acting up big time so will not be doing a blog sharing today...just concentrating on trying to keep my blood sugars in the "safe zone."  Next blog sharing will be Monday March 17th :)

When does a 1% matter to you?  A vivid example of a time that 1% mattered to me was in my final term of university.  Graduating literally was dependent finally on one of my option courses ironically.  It was Political Science & the course mark consisted of only 1 exam at the end of the term.  The exam consisted of about 100 multiple choice questions with the incorrect answers subtracted from the correct numbers. The professor was crystal clear that his tolerance for the guessing approach to multiple choice questions was profoundly low. Still though, I had been raised to finish everything on my plate & I kind of looked at life itself through that lens as well.  In that spirit, I found that I could not bring myself to leave any question unanswered even though there were many questions that I was not confident about.  The questions that I was uncertain about, I went ahead & answered anyhow.  When I think about it now, I would never do this at this stage of my life. The way that I looked at life’s decisions, tolerance for risk & mixture of naiveté were much different naturally than they are now. Oh my goodness, if I could tell my younger self that taking the course was a bad idea & that hanging my entire course mark on one exam of that nature was also not a great idea I would have.  The day that the marks were posted I drove 2 ½ hours each way back to university to look specifically at my Political Science mark.  It was the one & only time in university that I saw such a low mark staring me in the face yet I was jubilant because it was the determining factor in me graduating on time.  The mark on that exam was a D-.  That mark was scary & terrific all at once.  You better believe that 1% meant everything to me at that moment & for a long time after that.

Did you find that when you were first diagnosed with type 1 or another “365” health challenge that you became a near scientist in that you wanted to learn everything that you could right away about the diagnosis?  I know I did.  I went at break neck speed & read everything I could get my hands on.  When the answers frankly were less than helpful, I decided to cut out doing this anymore.  That does not mean that I don’t embrace learning because I absolutely do.  It is just that there is not too much that I can see that has advanced in the last 6 years as far as type 1 diabetes goes.  I am thrilled to have my insulin pump that’s for sure.  The loop has not been closed & I have chosen not to wear a continuous glucose monitor for personal reasons.  I know one thing for sure & that is that if a major breakthrough in type 1 is found, I will know about it at once because I belong to a number of wonderful type 1 support groups & news travels fast…good news even faster.

When it comes to statistics, I will confess that I am not crazy about analyzing numbers.  My barometer of common sense begins to get quite heightened if I see studies that appear to be manipulated or have not considered the basics.  What I am more interested in & frankly absolutely care about is people & not numbers.  When we are diagnosed with type 1 we get cast into a world of numbers 24-7.  There is the carb counting & the insulin to carb ratio & our bolus & basal & how about sick day management & exercise ratio & hormone ratio & stress ratio & on & on & on.  When I look at a cookie I see the number 15 on it.  Then if we are interested as well in calories, then we layer on another level of numbers.  Speaking of numbers & percentages, at the end of April, I go to my next appointment to find out the dreaded A1C number & a point here or there matters.  It feels every time quite equivalent to driving that day to see what my poli sci mark was.  The last three results (18 months) I have had that D- feeling all over again.  This April, I am determined to break through & get an under 7%.  The difference between a 6.9% & a 7.2% to me is a big deal.  Each one of us are beautiful originals so we each work with our endocrinologist to determine the  A1C goal for ourselves.  The thing is that I have seen an “A” or for me one gorgeous 6.1% A1C in the past & several 6.8% over the past 6 years so I know I can do it again.

From time to time each one of us hears the statement, “what are the chances of that?”  It could be in reference to something wonderful or something awful.  A case in point is that when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as an adult over 30 years old, my first endo automatically said that the chances were small that this would happen.  That of course got my brain wondering what the chances were even though a voice inside me at the same time was yelling at me that the statistics did not really matter because the reality remained unchanged.  Basically I was told that there is only a 10% chance of being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes & then within this 10% the chances of being diagnosed with it as an adult were very low.  Since I could not land on a percentage, I viewed the situation as a D- for a little while.  Then I decided that was not serving my attitude well so I made many changes to my thinking & got my old self back at least spiritually or on a soul level.  I do what I can regarding the physical side of type 1 to do my very best yet I do not award myself any percentages or grades anymore.  If I know that I am doing my very best then the results are what they are.

Just out of curiosity this morning I decided to do a little bit of information gathering & see if there are any new insights into why type 1 is on the rise & to see if there are any more advancements on causes of type 1.  Vividly, I remember reading over 6 years ago that perhaps nitrates, cow’s milk at a young age, viruses and environmental were causes of type 1.  Today, I read basically the same possibilities & the same conclusions being that frankly the scientists remain unsure as to the causes of type 1 diabetes.  That brings me full circle back to thinking that I will stick with the view of if there really is something new, I will hear about it through other friends with type 1 diabetes as well as my endo.

What really got me thinking about 1% & the significance of a small number is something that I have been battling for 3 years now.  For the past 3 years I have had brutal abdominal pains.  Lots of medical tests have been done & I have found out what I don’t have so far but not what I do have.  The thing is though that over a year ago I went onto a new prescription for the abdominal woes & I got worse & worse & worse until last week the pain was so unbelievable that I went back to my doctor & asked to be taken off of the prescription because I have been having additional problems on top of the problem I went initially to see about.  It is strange because about a month into initially taking the prescription I felt worse & my gut feeling (no pun intended) was that the prescription was giving me side effects.  I had asked about this & was told that this was extremely unlikely.  Still, I thought that I would research the drug a wee bit further & see what side effects had been reported.  There it was in print, there was a 1% chance of the side effects that I was experiencing.  Still, I thought, it is unlikely that I would be in that 1% so I continued taking the prescription for over a year until last week.  After a few days, the side effects started to go away.  I still of course have the original problem which I have a myriad of medical tests to undergo in the coming weeks however the additional physical problems that I attribute to the prescription have subsided.  I am reminded that I should have listened to my intuition.  When my body tells me something, I should listen whether there is a 1% chance or at 95% chance.  I am determined to find out what the actual diagnosis is for the abdominal troubles that have plagued me over the past 3 years.  In the back of my mind I wonder if these are compliments of type 1 diabetes as well.  The list is getting longer yet I am thankful that as far as the very major complications, so far, so good.  Throughout it all the one thing that does not become a number or a statistic is my attitude towards physical challenges or other life challenges.  I am still playing the song by Chumbawamba really loudly on the especially challenging days…you know the chorus, “I get knocked down but I get up again!”  That’s my short term plan & that is my long term plan.

Bigger than that, we are not our numbers or any other number.  Numbers are numbers yet people are so much more…incomparable really. 

My heart’s hope for you is that the number that makes you smile the brightest is the number of new friends you make each & every year.

Smiles, Saundie :)

Have a beautiful week & see you next Monday for the next blog sharing :)

How big is my bubble we each may ask ourselves from time to time.  Does the size of the bubble change as we get older or if challenges come into our lives?  A mentor years ago use to ask the following question a great deal:  “what comes out of you when you are squeezed?”  There were times when I found myself displeased with what came out of me when I was squeezed so I decided to make some changes in my way of thinking almost 2 decades ago.

You know something that never fails to bring out the child in me in one second flat is the sight of bubbles.  Bubbles are carefree & whether we have the super deluxe bbq bubble maker, the old fashioned stick with a circle & some kitchen bubbles or anything in between, bubbles I think are fun.  I will never outgrow bubbles.  Exhibit A is that I actually bring bubbles with me in my vehicle door compartment all year long just in case.  Ok, Saundie, I get it, you like bubbles but what does this have to do with life or challenges or anything else in adulthood?

The two questions that I have found myself ask on occasion of me are:  how big is my bubble & what comes out of me when I am squeezed.  Life has provided ample opportunities to answer these questions.  In asking what the size of our bubble is, what I am really asking is how large is our world.  Some folks seem for example to be able to travel many parts of the world yet remain in tight quarters within a tiny bubble of safety or sameness or something else that remains unchanged no matter where they go in life or what happens to them.  I don’t understand that personally yet I don’t mean the statement as a judgment but rather an observation.  Then there are folks who literally are illuminated from the inside out & whether they travel far or not, the size of their bubble is enormous.  They are the folks that change the world for the better by the way that they think & behave, care & love.  Perhaps it is the way that we think & love that is the deciding factor in the size of our bubble.  We each ponder that for ourselves.

On November 29, 2007 I was officially diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  I already knew I had it before the words came out of the endocrinologist’s mouth.  The signs were like a neon light & I knew that I was sick big time.  Illness can provide a time to again answer those two questions.  First of all, I decided on November 29,2007 that my bubble would expand especially because of type 1.  It is kind of like looking at the fork in the road that Robert Frost so famously painted in each of our minds.  I had to decide whether I was going to shrink because of type 1 & become a victim & thus have a small bubble to live in or be a spiritual battle warrior on the days that my body does not cooperate with me.  It is important to add that for me being a battle warrior against the beast of type 1 diabetes means that I also get to take rest breaks away from being super strong 24-7.  Being a battle warrior does not mean that I don’t get incredibly exhausted, sick, physically beaten up, emotionally wiped.  What it does mean is that I choose to be exactly me with or without type 1.  Before type 1 I had a great attitude yet there were blue days & I would let myself go ahead & have a cry.  With type 1, maybe some days the tears last a wee bit longer.  The thing that has not changed is that I get back up every single time.  I get to answer the question of “what comes out when I get squeezed?” with the word “determination!”  Determination which some may describe as strength I feel is a renewable resource.  I find that I replenish my determination in so many different ways & most of all it is through the Dear Hearts in my life that I find strength even on the toughest days. 

It is February 24, 2014 today & although I feel frustrated that my plan for better health for 2014 has gotten off to no kind of start at all that I find myself full of determination.  Since January 2^nd, I have been continuously sick with one thing or another, some things that are as a result of type 1 & other things as basic as the common cold.  This past weekend I caught a doozy of a cough & cold & feel physically pretty lousy but spiritually determined.  The strange yet very cool thing though is that somehow throughout the barrage of being continuously ill on top of type 1 for 7 weeks, my blood sugar readings are pretty good.  I have been testing even more during this time frame with the attitude of wanting to change or affect what I can to the best of my abilities.  That is kind of saying something because on average during the year on a given day I am already testing 10 times a day.  Over the last 7 weeks, my daily testing average is closer to 12-14.  It is like saying to type 1, “bring it!”  If you can think of a family member (or many), or friend (or many) that help you stand right up tall & pour into you strength for your journey, please cherish them big time.  I am blessed hugely with family & friends who I have seen get squeezed & what comes out of them too is determination & strength & love & compassion.  It occurred to me a long time ago that the more I get squeezed in life, the more I get to give heartfelt compassion in words & deeds.  I love that.

Okay, so the first 2 months of this year have not gone according to what I had hoped & planned yet my battle warrior determination is fiercer than ever & my appreciation for my Dear Hearts is completely off the Richter scale.

My heart’s hope for you is that your world remains huge throughout every storm.  May your bubble be immeasurable in hugeness.  And when you ask yourself what comes out of you when you are squeezed whether you have type 1 diabetes or another “365” challenge, may the answer be one that gives you strength & determination.  Most of all, may you always know that you are exactly a beautiful original & the world is so much more because you are here.

Smiles, Saundie :)

May you too carry bubbles with you at all times either as a reminder or just for fun!  Next Monday's sharing is "1% of a Small Number."    :)

Don’t you find that a really good belly laugh is medicinal?  Since we are each beautiful originals, what I find funny you may not & vice versa.  And then there may be many times where we can sit together laughing at exactly the same thing in the spirit of “me too.”  I love that.  Humour is something that I received an appreciation for early on as a wee girl.  Both my Grandpa Brown & my Dad would tell such funny stories & jokes & I learned at a young age just how great a laugh until your face hurt felt.

If we think of times when we have packed our luggage for trips or moving, do we also pack the things that don’t take up any space & these take along too?  What the heck are you talking about Saundie?  Every time I have packed my bags for any journey or move, I have always stopped for a minute or two & scooped up what was to symbolize the packing of my sense of humour.  I have always known that I would need wit for all journeys in my life.  Thankfully, along the way to adult hood, I have been able to add to the packing of more humour.  The laugh could be in the form of a joke or story that I remember from when I was a wee girl or a show I saw or a comedian or movie or cartoon or a shared laugh with a friend.  There is always room for more laughing I believe in my life. 

As a little aside, last Spring I was given the gift of humour once again in the form of a new friend.  This is a gal that I had noticed with a smile for about 5 years & would say hi to if we happened upon one another out & about.  Apart from that though, we had not had a conversation.  The neat thing though was that I would often think to myself that I knew that this gal is a character & that one day somehow I was sure we would be friends.  Last Spring we ended up in a community group together & were seated at the same table.  We became instant friends over several huge jokes & laughs.  We just have that same funny bone & I love that.  You are sure to have friends like this too & they are a hoot to be around.  This friend is a profoundly generous person who gives her time, talents & love boldly & beautifully.  And literally, I cannot believe that there was ever a time that we were not friends.  There is such a depth to this incredible lady though because she has a way of feeling everything so honestly.  Both of us were going through profound challenges when we met & we could talk to one another so easily about what was weighing heavily on our hearts.  When you can cry as hard as you laugh & feel it all, there is just something that I cannot put into words about that.  Even on our heaviest of days, there would come a time in the conversation when one of us would say something that made us both break out into heartfelt laughter.  What a gift.  We both share sentimental hearts & I wonder if this is the reason why we just seem to naturally know what would be funny & what would be hurtful. 

If humour is often composed of words & words have either the power to heal or to hurt then are there situations that you can think of that jokes have been medicinal & other times hurtful?  While we are sure to agree that diabetes or any other 365 challenge is not funny, we may at times differ on our views of what we find humourous at times about our challenges.  Last week for instance I arrived at a meeting & a very fine gentleman was holding the door open for me to the building.  Unfortunately, I knew with total certainty that I was in a dozzy of a low blood sugar.  I thanked him for holding the door & slurred that I was in low blood sugar & would not be participating in any limboing  & then laughed.  That kind of humour is pretty natural for me because I don’t like for others to feel like they have to treat me with “kid gloves” when I am in either high or low blood sugar.  I also like to explain why I am behaving as though I am intoxicated.  A lot of people are pretty used to my sense of humour.  Some people kind of roll their eye balls at me at times but most laugh & feel more at ease.  That’s fine because I “get” that not everyone is going to enjoy a laugh & everyone is different so just being myself seems to make sense.

There is some humour that I do find hurtful especially when it comes to living with type 1 diabetes.  Last week as I was browsing through a website that has nutritious recipes posted on it, I came across a “joke” post.  It was not the first time that I have seen this joke however the context of this joke was in “poor taste.”  If you have diabetes, you may have come across this same joke.  It is the one where it talks about a person having a certain number of chocolate bars, the person eats most of them so what does the person have (meaning how many chocolate bars are left).  The punch line is that the person has diabetes.  Personally I find that joke incredibly offensive on many levels however I generally have ignored the so called joke in the past.  This time however, I did not.  The reason for this is that a bunch of people out in the cyber ether chose to make derogatory comments about people with diabetes.  This is not okay with me.  It would not be okay with me if derogatory comments were made about another group of people fighting other chronic diseases either.  With a background in sociology, I “get” the group dynamics factor at work in reading the abundant derogatory remarks aimed at diabetics.  Does it take courage to stand up for what is right though even though or especially if negative group dynamics are at work?  I say a big time yes to that!  What is the opposite of courage?  Most of us would answer cowardice.  Would most of us agree that hopping onto the bandwagon of doing the wrong thing just because a large group of people are doing it is not only wrong but also cowardly & mean?  We each answer that question for ourselves.  My answer is that not only is it important to pack humour for life’s journeys but also to pack discernment, compassion, and courage.  Will there probably always be some mean-spirited jokes out there targeting others?  Yes, unfortunately there probably will be.  What do we do about this?  We each decide for ourselves.  In this instance though the derogatory comments were vicious & I decided to stand in front of this.  Respectfully, I stated that as a person with type 1 diabetes I found the comments hurtful & inaccurate & not okay.  The people on the website seemed to be surprised that a person with diabetes would have been on their website since it was a site for healthy recipes.  That is just plain strange! 

Here’s the thing about humour though & that is that it is my belief that there is no shortage of chuckles that can be had with the spirit of friendship.  If we need to tear one another down to get a laugh then to me that is pretty sad.  There’s already too much of that in the world so adding to it in my mind is not the best choice.  With compassion, care, courage, discernment, let’s go ahead & rip the lid off laughter in the spirit of building one another up instead.

My heart’s hope for you is that your laughs are endless.  Laughter is after all a renewable resource!

Smiles, Saundie :)

May all the laughs we have this week be filled with lifting one another up & next Monday's sharing is yet to be written :)